


peace

by sadlybunny



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Insecurity, Introspection, M/M, Songfic, i think? im not sure of the definition lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28013784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadlybunny/pseuds/sadlybunny
Summary: All these people think love's for showBut I would die for you in secretThe devil's in the details, but you got a friend in meWould it be enough if I could never give you peace?Dan thinks he won't ever be enough for Phil.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	peace

**Author's Note:**

> [listen](https://youtu.be/eetzOzwWw_0) to taylor swift's 'peace'

Sometimes it’s easier for Dan to lie in bed than get up and feel like a disappointment. It’s easier to stare at the ceiling than to deal with all of the expectations that he feels weigh heavy on him when he faces the day. 

_Our coming of age has come and gone_

It’s different, Dan thinks, when you’ve grown up with the person you’re spending your life with. Maybe those expectations are supposed to change. Dan _thinks_ they’re supposed to change. Obviously his relationship is going to be different from when he was 18 to when he was 29. But even as the years go by, he still feels like it's not enough.

What can you possibly give to the person who’s given you everything? 

_Suddenly this summer it's clear  
I never had the courage in my convictions  
As long as danger is near_

Dan has always liked to run. From his problems, from the people who love him, from the truth. It comes with feeling like you’ll never be good enough, he thinks. Because if you don’t have to face those things, they can’t be disappointed with who you are. _What_ you are. He’s always been the one who ran, and Phil was always the one to catch him. 

_And it's just around the corner, darlin'  
'Cause it lives in me  
No, I could never give you peace_

It’s never been a secret in their relationship that Dan has his demons. And even at his best, he feels like they’re still deep inside of him. It used to be worse, he thinks, before he met Phil. Really, he’s the happiest he’s ever been now. But he doesn’t want to pin that on Phil. Of course, it comes with living his truth and being more authentic even just to himself. He won’t deny some of the credit to Phil, though, because he most definitely wouldn’t be where he was today without him. 

He’s happy, he really is. Usually. But sometimes something inside of him insists that he’ll always feel this way. The grey days will keep coming, and the empty feeling won’t leave.

Phil tries his best, he does.

_But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm  
If your cascade ocean wave blues come  
All these people think love's for show  
But I would die for you in secret_

And in those moments especially, Dan feels it the most. When Phil will lay on top of him in the early mornings, when he’ll step into the shower with him and press their skin together, or grab his hand when they’re sitting on the sofa together. When Dan’s feeling grey, and Phil makes it so that nothing else exists outside of their bedroom. And that’s when he feels it. Like he doesn’t deserve him. Because Phil has been so accommodating to him for _eleven years_ , they’ve loved each other privately, but been together so publicly for all this time. 

_The devil's in the details  
But you got a friend in me  
Would it be enough  
If I could never give you peace?_

Dan thinks, as he lays in their warm bed, that maybe he’ll never be enough for Phil. He rationalizes things and lets his bad thoughts build and steep in his mind until he explodes. He wonders if Phil still craves that normalcy that he did when they were younger. And sure, Phil is not ‘normal’ in any way, he doesn’t want to be normal, but it's no secret that if their situation was a little more conventional, their lives wouldn’t be as stressful. Dan could never give that to Phil. 

He thinks he could never give Phil peace.

_Your integrity makes me seem small  
You paint dreamscapes on the wall_

Nevertheless, Phil has stayed. He’s stayed through the screaming and the crying and the endless fights. Through the dark days and the times when Dan would storm out. At the end of the day, he’s always there to pull Dan into bed and run a hand through his curls. 

When they were much younger, Dan remembers how he would lay on Phil’s chest in his tiny bedroom in his childhood home. Phil would hold his cheek and point out shapes on his ceiling. Dan would let his tears fall, feeling so loved and so complete, and Phil wouldn’t ask him to explain. And as Phil’s shirt would get wetter, he would lean down to kiss Dan’s warm forehead and swipe away his tears with his thumb. 

_And you know that I'd  
Swing with you for the fences  
Sit with you in the trenches  
Give you my wild, give you a child_

Forever is a long time. But, Dan thinks, aren’t they already halfway to forever? He can look back at their history, at the different eras of ‘Dan and Phil’, and see the changes. He knows that they’re in a place where, personally, the growth for each of them has been exponential. They’re not done, but they’re close. They’ve grown together, twisted around each other like tree roots that would break if pulled apart. 

Someone like that, who you’ve developed with and around for so long, you’d give anything for. Dan wants to do anything and everything for him. It makes him crazy sometimes, how much he wishes he could give him everything. Why can't he just believe that Phil would do the same? 

_Give you the silence that only comes  
When two people understand each other  
Family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother  
Is it enough?_

“Dan and Phil” are a duo. But Dan and Phil are a unit. They understand each other more than anyone else ever has and ever will. They built an empire together, two boys against the world. Dan wishes he could kill that tiny voice in the back of his head that told him that Phil deserved more. That even with this unstoppable love they’ve created, somehow it’s not enough. 

Dan sighs and pulls the chain on the lamp on the bedside table. He pulls the duvet higher on his naked chest and turns away from the door. He’s letting these thoughts run rampant, in the exact way that Phil has discouraged him from doing. He _knows_ that none of it is true. He knows that Phil loves him and only wants him for the rest of their lives. 

_Give you my best  
But the rain is always gonna come  
If you're standing with me_

The thoughts always come, though. They probably always will. Dan can see himself laying in a bed in some tropical location on their future honeymoon still feeling this way. He lets a single tear drop down onto his cheek, which almost never happens. He doesn’t want to feel this way, he doesn’t want to make Phil deal with this. 

He hears the bedroom door open and click closed. The duvet is thrown off of him and replaced with a warm body, who then tucks the blanket around them. Phil’s legs fold into Dan’s bent knees. 

“I missed you.” Phil whispers. He presses a kiss to the back of Dan’s head. 

Dan grunts in response. 

“I love you so much,” Phil adds, squeezing his soft belly. “You keep me warm.” 

Dan lets himself be spun around to face Phil. He tips his face up when Phil bends down to kiss him. It’s sweet and soft and everything that makes Dan’s eyes water in moments like this. 

“My forever and always. My endgame. My one.” 

Dan does start crying, then. Phil always seems to know just what to say. 

_Would it be enough  
If I could never give you peace?_

**Author's Note:**

> taylor released evermore and nearly killed me yesterday so i figured i should post this while i still can  
> comments n kudos always appreciated  
> come say hi on tumblr [@sadlybunny](https://www.sadlybunny.tumblr.com)  
> -bunny x


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